Corporate Synergies is a modestly epic 14-part space opera of questionable ethics and dubious morality centred on the ongoing conflict between two mega-corporations and their quest to dominate the retail landscape of Earth’s ever-expanding colonial reach.

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8

NEW EMPLOYEE ORIENTATION IV

Holy shit aliens indeed.

Up until that very moment, Molly, like every other Earth-born human (and those born on most colony worlds, to be fair) was under the blissfully ignorant assumption that humanity had not yet encountered alien life – at least nothing more intelligent than the average elephant.

Bad example, actually, given the African Elephant Revolt of 2231. Certain parts of Nairobi still haven’t been fully rebuilt.

So, let’s say armadillos.  Armadillos are dense bastards.

Anyway, most humans are completely unaware of the fact that humanity, in the form of the now defunct and archaic non-profit (hear the UniRe brass snicker at that one?) Global Space Exploration Agency and the EMD divisions of UniRe and GCon, had encountered not one but two species of intelligent alien life.  The first, which we named the Tall Men because they were tall and we, generally, are idiots, were completely wiped out within the first two weeks post First Contact.  Not through some kind of systemic attempt to drive them out of existence, but because human feces contained certain bacteria for which the Tall Men had no natural defense.  The bacteria caused a plague.  We made our first contact with an intelligent alien race and killed them all by taking a shit on their planet.

Almost poetic, given how as a species we’ve been taking a shit on our own planet for centuries.

Our second encounter was with the gloriously-named Frogmen of Doom Lake.

Yes, seriously.

That isn’t what they call themselves, clearly – human vocal chords are incapable of producing the sounds required to use their actual name, or any other word in their language.  As a result, we’ve never actually spoken to them.  We gave them their name because they look kind of like bipedal frogs and we first encountered them on the shores of a body of water we had called Doom Lake.  Common wisdom after extensive studies of our first encounter is that the Frogmen at Doom Lake were a trading delegation, looking to establish a mutually beneficial relationship with their new neighbours.

Unfortunately, the Doom Lake colonists were blessed with more firepower than brains.

We have been at war with the Frogmen off and on for the past seven years.

But again, Molly didn’t know any of this.  None of the recruits did – with the exception of Helion, who knew only of the Tall Men – because it wasn’t the kind of narrative UniRe and GCon wanted to build around the outward expansion of their corporate reach.  Dead aliens did not play well in the media.  In fact, live aliens wouldn’t have played well in the media either – they would have likely induced mass panic.

Or just individual panic.

“Aliens,” whispered Molly, to no one in particular.  “There are aliens.”

And what really bothered her was that UniRe had thought there was such a high possibility of an alien shooting her with her own gun that they’d designed a gun specifically to avoid such an occurrence.

She almost jumped out of her skin when Helion leaned in and whispered to her.

“They told us about them once I was deployed in my first tour,” he said.  “Don’t worry, they’re extinct now.  Some kind of disease that humans are immune to.”

“But there were aliens.  Who could shoot us?”

“Yeah.”

He looked at her for a second, his brow furrowing in a frown.

“Why does that bother you so much more than being shot at by other humans?”

“Because I didn’t know aliens existed.  I’ve known for a while that humans existed.”

Helion’s frown deepened and he appear ready to say something but then just closed his mouth instead, likely realising that it was sometimes better to not continue a conversation than to ask for explanations.

“And so,” the training officer was saying, vacant smile on his face, totally unaware of Molly’s distress.  “You have now completed all requirements of the UniRe New Employee Orientation Program, every single one of you passing with flying colours!”

Not that anyone had ever failed the UniRe NEOP.  It was felt that having any recruit fail the program would have a detrimental effect on self-image of the failing individual as well as the morale of their classmates and, by extension, have a damaging effect on the reputation of UniRe.  So no one failed.  Everyone passed.  Even the stupid ones.

“Tonight, celebrate your achievement.  The main hall has been reserved for your class and our catering department has been asked to stay late.  But don’t party too hard,” he said with a practiced yet still horribly awkward chuckle.  “Because tomorrow morning at 0900 hours, each and every one of you will be processed for deployment!”

He allowed a moment for the recruits to have their hugs and high-fives and smiles and laughter and pants-shitting fear before nodding to an unseen audio technician.  Four seconds later, the now-familiar three-note intro to the UniRe Corporate Anthem came dancing from the multitude of wall-mounted speakers and, without thought or hesitation, the recruits stopped what they were doing, stood at attention and sang along with pop sensation, actress, model, corporate shill and soon-to-be revealed sex tape star, Lexi Rains.

With every dawn,

A new day comes

On a hundred worlds,

With a hundred suns.

No matter what

The day may bring,

I gladly raise

My voice and sing.

We’ll bring a brighter future

Hand in hand,

To every planet and every land.

A brighter future

For you and me;

A brighter future

With UniRe!

As the final notes faded out and the sound system switched off, the recruits grinned like idiots.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Enjoying CORPORATE SYNERGIES?  Check out my full-length novel that involves fewer douche-bags, Radko’s War!